worn out, in a good way

"what nobler medal of honor could any godly person seek than the scars of service, personal loss for the crown of reward, disgrace for the sake of Christ, and being worn out in the Master's service." -L.B. Cowman

i am already being poured out like a drink offering... i have fought the good fight.
i have finished the race. i have kept the faith

jane austen on family

austen's description of the comfort family brings, via fanny price in mansfield park, may be one of the best explanations of why there's no place like home. fanny is presented with two options when a man she doesn't love begins pursuing her romantically. her uncle, whose home fanny lived in from maybe age 8, says she can marry the suitor or go back to her filthy childhood home and destitute family. when she tells him she may choose home, her cousin and best friend edmond quickly, disbelievingly asks her why.

"to be home again," she tells him. "to be loved by family, to feel affection without fear or restraint, and to feel myself the equal of those that surround me."

what can we deduce from spilt milk?

thank you c.s. lewis, for putting it in laymen's terms! and thank you Father, for being the intelligent designer.

"saying the solar system was brought about by an accidental collision is like expecting that the accidental shape taken by the splash when you upset a milk jug should give you a correct account of how the jug was made and why it was upset."

the ministry of presence

"i've come to realize that all of us just want some company. angela didn't need me to do anything. she didn't need another plant or magazine... what really matters is the company of another beating heart, the presence of someone who cares about you, even if all they do is sit in a chair and bear witness to the trials at hand."
-elizabeth owen, my (not so) storybook life, on friend angela's battle with cancer

though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves; a cord of three strands is not quickly broken

when being followed is a good thing

"o Love that wilt not let me go,
i rest my weary soul in thee;
i give thee back the life i owe,
that in thine ocean depths its flow
may richer, fuller be.

o light that foll’west all my way,
i yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
my heart restores its borrowed ray,
that in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
may brighter, fairer be.
-george mattheson

His light follows me as His word pierces and changes me; His nearness and wisdom light my path, nourish me for the journey, etc etc. but what struck me most when we sang the mattheson hymn recently at church was how He uses people in my life to follow me to dark, shameful places. they come after me in His name, asking the piercing question reminiscent of eden, "where are you?" they help expose my sin and lift the heaviness of shame. thank you Father for your followers who pursue me when i resist or avoid, for comraderie around your truth that illuminates my darkness and deceit.

if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another.

2 timothy 1:5

with my mom's birthday in a few days, this commentary on 2 timothy 1:5 is particularly poignant. paul commends timothy for his "sincere faith," and it "dwelt" first in his grandmother and mother...

thus pious women may take encouragement from the success of lois and eunice with timothy, who proved so excellent and useful a minister. some of the most worthy and valuable ministers the church of Christ has been favoured with, have had to bless God for early religious impressions made upon their minds by the teaching of their mothers or other female relatives.
-matthew henry

what a privilege. thank you Father! give us grace and insight for the task of helping our children know and serve You.

shine like stars

gospel-centered people are under the command of God to create alternative cultures of honor, called churches, where people are lifted up, their accomplishments celebrated, their strengths admired, their weaknesses forgiven. this new relational environment has high standards, in keeping with the glory of the gospel.
-ray ortlund

do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ i will have reason to glory because i did not run in vain nor toil in vain

we can't afford default

sometimes george barna, with his facts and figures about the status of the american church, can daunt me and make me feel weary. sometimes i want to say, i get it. things are rough. but what can i do in my corner of the church? give me some homework and some hope!

and he gives just that in his book about the spiritual transformation of our kids and the importance of kids ministry. about halfway through a chapter with statistics ad nauseam, i almost wanted to give up. but he closed the chapter by explaining that despite the growing complexities of the world and his seemingly daunting statistics, the needs of our children remain the same- to be trusted, to be given security, to be loved and to have significant purpose in life. with that, i was hooked and energized. due to the staggering state of the church, and the vast needs children have, and the great task of building up the next generation, he asks the poignant question, can we afford to let our future leaders be shaped by default?

unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain. unless the LORD watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. in vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat- for he grants sleep to those he loves. children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them

bold, i approach

so i heard abortion survivor gianna jessen speak a few weeks ago & i'm following her a little more closely now via FB. her updates are all over the place yet encouraging! i'm tucking this one away today & hoping it blesses you too.

"if i could give one piece of advice, it would be this: pray daring prayers. keep praying them through the years that you are mocked, if you have peace inside. pray them, cry them, sing them, breathe them. Jesus is real. every piece of your heart matters to Him. He will recompense all."

let us hold fast our confession.... let us come boldly to the throne of grace

friendship & home

"friendship is the greatest of worldly goods. certainly to me it is the chief happiness of life. if i had to give a piece of advice to a young man about a place to live, i think i should say, 'sacrifice almost everything to live where you can be near your friends.' i know i am very fortunate in that respect..."
-cs lewis

our citizenship is in heaven. in the meantime of full realization of this, my theory is place is about people. which is why i'm in south carolina right now, with as frequent as possible travels to california and texas.

if only

"a Christian worker has to learn how to be God's noble man or woman amid a crowd of ignoble things. never make this plea - 'if only I were somewhere else!' all God's men are ordinary men made extraordinary by the matter He has given them. paul's whole heart and mind and soul were taken up with the great matter of what Jesus Christ came to do... we have to face ourselves with the one central fact - Jesus Christ and Him crucified.

'I have chosen you.' keep that note of greatness in your creed. it is not that you have got God but that He has got you. here, in this college, God is at work, bending, breaking, moulding, doing just as He chooses. why He is doing it, we do not know; He is doing it for one purpose only- that He may be able to say, 'this is My man, My woman.' we have to be in God's hand so that He can plant men on the Rock as He has planted us.

let Him have His way."
-oswald chambers

for we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them

when our children meet together,

they meet with the risen Christ and are taught to know and follow Him.

"for me, sunday school was more than a refreshing experience... the stories were about the power of God at work in ordinary people. in the sunday school stories, past and present, is the sap of my spiritual fervor."
-cliff schimmels, i learned it first in sunday school

we have something to give

"if you are a Christian, you are by nature a giver."
-john piper, speaking on acts 20:35 (in everything i did, i showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: "it is more blessed to give than to receive.")

why would we be told about this blessing if there wasn't a way to experience it? why would the bible say He loves cheerful generosity if it's something we can't exhibit?

Father, help us to think like you. help us reject thinking that says we have nothing of value to contribute; help us know that because of the cross and through friendship with you, we have something worthwhile to give.

turning homes, offices into cathedrals

"the world i live in is loud and blurring and toilets plug and i get speeding tickets and the dog gets sick all over the back steps and i forget everything and these six kids lean hard into me and i fail hard and there are real souls that are at stake and how long do i really have to figure out how to live full of grace, full of joy- before these six beautiful children fly the coop and my mothering days fold up quiet? how do you open the eyes to see how to take the daily, domestic, workday vortex and invert it into the dome of an everyday cathedral?"
-ann voskamp

Father, whatever "leans hard" into me, help me learn to lean on You for the strength to serve with a cheerful, zealous heart.

the eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.

a fortifying message

http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/two-great-tests

rats in the cellar & rotten fruit

when I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; i have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. and the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected; i was caught off my guard. [...] surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? if there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. but the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. in the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man i am. the rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul.
-c.s. lewis, mere christianity

no good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit
-luke 6:43

prepositional beauty

i kind of loved studying parts of speech in school. i still love when someone mentions a part of speech. like "hey, nice adjective." although usually if someone's talking to me about adjectives, they're saying "hey, why'd you combine those two adjectives?" but that's not where my mind is right now.

right now, i'm thinking about the sometimes crucial role prepositions play in scripture. i needed this today:

"I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him"
psalm 91:15

not, "I'll take him out of the trouble" or "I'm there after the trouble to debrief" but "I'm with him IN it."

as my roommate reminded me this week, that's what "counting it all joy" remembers- that IN the trial, He is present & He's doing something good & needed & only He can do it.

by the way, have you met my roommate? she's great. and i heard a rumor she'll be blogging again soon. you might love it.

You are still good, i still cling

when I come to Christ today, I feel it is as much a necessity of my life to come to the cross as it was to come ten years ago- when I come to him, I have to come still as a sinner with nothing in my hands.
-charles spurgeon

nothing in my hands i bring, simply to thy cross i cling. we won't cling to something we don't perceive as good and helpful. Father, help us see that you are good. help us see that you long to help, and you're capable, trustworthy and available.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9XyoLjFLOo

self-control isn't just for... myself

clearly, self-control- saying no to that thing that's not good for me but that i reeeally don't want to say no to- is honoring to God.

but i hadn't thought of it much beyond that until reading dietrich bonhoeffer's life together (classic exploration of Christian community & what it means for the church to be as Christ to each other).

"every act of self-control on the part of the believer benefits the entire community."

wow. thanks for this. my denial of self, my decision to say no to sin, isn't just helping me in my own walk & bringing honor to Him... it's benefiting the people around me. maybe i had missed the obvious. but this has been like a shaft of light for me in a damp dull cell. one area where it's been REALLY helpful & convicting is in my thinking. efforts to think biblically & run from lies, self-deprecation, ungodly thoughts, etc etc don't affect my posture toward Him only... these choices impact my brothers & sisters. in my fight to think well, i can bless those around me as i persevere in truth rather than give in to toxic thought patterns. how is the community benefiting when i choose to walk in the light? we have true fellowship w/Him & each other. which completes joy. which shows the world the love of Christ. really, the implications are pretty awesome. (reference 8/16 post for bonhoeffer's insight into what this might look like in relating to Him & each other in the day to day... & read the book for more.)

thank you, Father! and help us!

sinners together

"the basis on which christians can speak to one another is that each knows the other as a sinner, who, with all his human dignity, is lonely and lost if he is not given help... this recognition gives to our brotherly speech the freedom and candor it needs. we speak to one another on the basis of the help we both need. we admonish one another to go the way that Christ bids us go"

-dietrich bonhoeffer

remembrance

a friend recently introduced me to this goodness. can't stop listening
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVtfDxGI3aY

this'll preach-
"dying, you destroyed our death...
rising, you restored our life"
!!!

reposting

from my favorite blog (i'm borderline obsessed). if you haven't read ray, do it!

whom did he consult? isaiah 40:14

“Both before and after his elevation as king, and even in the act of creation itself, marduk [the high-god of babylon] did not act alone, but only on the advice of ea [marduk's father].” -r. whybray, the heavenly counsellor in isaiah

the pagan gods worked by committee. the biblical Lord of heaven and earth acts alone, out of his own exuberant all-sufficiency.

compulsive polytheists that we are, it is unsettling when we fall into the arms of God as our only hope. but inevitably, God takes us there. we find ourselves in places where God is all we have, and there we discover that “he gives power to the faint” (isaiah 40:29).

-ray ortlund

yes!

everything in me (except that little part that occasionally prefers to avoid, hide & deny) is saying that this is a trustworthy statement!

"it is a grand thing for a man to know his own heart so as to be able to speak before the Lord about it." -charles spurgeon


the heart is deceitful above all things & desperately wicked- who can know it?

search me, God, & know my heart. see if there is any hurtful way in me & lead me in the way everlasting.

exodus 17:12

"bear up the hands that hang down, by faith and prayer; support the tottering knees. storm the throne of grace and persevere therein any mercy will come down." -john wesley

aaron and hur stayed up moses' hands, and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun

psalm 137 & 139

the last 2 weeks of the psalm series at church have been 137 & 139. listen here- http://riversidecommunitychurch.org/sermon-downloads.php

what struck me most about the message from 137 was the encouragement that "we can entrust our most intense emotions to God who knows them & takes them most seriously."

from 139, i was refreshed especially by the explanation of vs. 23- "search me & know my heart... & lead me in the way everlasting" (a reframing of the first vs.-"you have searched me & known me"). "it's the cry of a lover who wants to be sought, known fully, & still loved."

ravensbruck

what we learn from corrie & betsie ten boom's experience at a concentration camp called ravensbruck during world war II (from corrie's book the hiding place, retold by andree seu in world magazine):

"corrie & betsie had just learned their new barracks was infested with fleas:
'betsie, how can we live in this place!'
'show us. show us how.' it was said so matter of factly, it took me a second to realize she was praying. more and more the distinction between prayer & the rest of life seemed to be vanishing for betsie.
corrie remembered the bible passage they had read that morning. they looked both ways, then read: 'rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus.'
"'that's it, corrie. that's His answer... give thanks in all circumstances. we can start right now to thank God for every single thing about this new barracks.'" they commenced praise for their being assigned to the same barracks; for the bible they got away with keeping; for the other women who would meet Jesus through that bible.
'thank you,' betsie went on serenely, 'for the fleas.'

here corrie raised an objection. but some time later, the residents of barracks 28 noted a puzzling phenomenon, that the guards who were so zealous in surveillance of the lagerstrasse & the center room exerted almost no supervision of their particular dormitory. when a dispute over socks did not prompt official intervention, they learned that the supervisor refused to set foot in the place. she was heard to say: 'that place is crawling with fleas.' "

"let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. and be thankful. let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. and whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him"
-colossians 3:15-19

conversion

can be dramatic- like the damascus road experience- "he fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, 'saul, why do you persecute me?'"

and some are more "ordinary"- like when c.s. lewis went to the zoo with his brother.

"when we set out i did not believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and when we reached the zoo i did."

by faith

ah! keith & kristin gettys get it done. i've been listening over & over to these words the past few days; i feel they are, for me, both declaration & prayer.

"we will stand as children of the promise;
we will fix our eyes on Him, our soul's reward.
til the work is finished & the race is run,
we walk by faith & not by sight."

"faith is for this world, sight for the other."
-matthew henry on 2 corinthians 5:7

delight

we loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us
-1 thessalonians 2:8

the protection of community

sometimes He puts a hedge of protection- emotionally or otherwise- around us via the people He's given us to live life with.

just saw a beautiful picture of this in a movie about a swedish church choir. one member of the choir- gabriella- was being abused almost daily, & even in front of people in the town on occasion, by her husband conny. he wasn't a fan of her choir participation, & he came one night to a rehearsal. this was at a point when gabriella was finally seeking an end to the abuse & had reached out to the choir asking them what to do & where to go for safety. when he walked in the door at rehearsal, gabriella was on the front row. terrified. the members of the choir began to shift one by one, standing in front of grabriella & crowding around her, literally hedging her in. their eyes were fixed on conny, challenging him to lay a finger on her. after glaring back for a moment, suppressing his rage, conny turned & walked out.

what an awesome representation of the way a community of people can protect their own. how often has He helped us, kept us safe, nurtured us through the surrounding of the family of believers.

"you, Lord, are a shield around me"
-psalm 3:3

more love to Thee.... more to my fellow man

growing up, i went to the same camp every summer & one of my favorite songs we sang during vespers was "more love, more power"... it makes me beyond nostalgic to hear the song or to think back on those days of yearning- and collectively asking Him to help us understand His love better & love others more fully through us. it's a desire & prayer paul articulates well to the church in thessalonica. he encourages them by saying you are loving; now love more!

"now as to the love of the brethren, you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another; for indeed you do practice it toward all the brethren who are in all macedonia. but we urge you, brethren, to excel still more, and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life and attend to your own business and work with your hands, just as we commanded you, so that you will behave properly toward outsiders and not be in any need."

1 thessalonians 4:9-12

'servitude to the ego'

"in the intoxication of my youthful successes i had felt myself to be infallible, and therefore i was cruel."
-alexander solzhenitsyn

matthew henry argues that in our pride & wilfulness, there's contempt for the goodness of God. and by extension, contempt for other people.

but His kindness leads us to repentance- romans 2:4. His kindness frees us from ego bondage & engenders kindness to fellow man. thank you, Father! save us from forgetfulness of Your grace & cruelty of spirit.

strangely dim

in the clamorous demands of the ego and the flesh, it is always open to us to wait on God. all we have to do is, as it were, to make a little clearing in the wild jungle of our human will, and then keep our rendezvous with our creator. He is sure to come; His presence falls like a comforting shadow, and then we are at peace. our tiny exercise in time is lost in the immensity of eternity. this is open to anyone at any time- fighting one's way on to a crowded commuter train, forcing tired eyes to grapple with turgid words, sleepless in an interminable night. and then, suddenly & incalculably, peace- the acceptance of earthly circumstance; all the turbulence, doubt, conflicting devices and desires, crystallizing in one single prayer, "Thy will be done." an alternative impulse- to sacrifice rather than grab, love rather than lust, give rather than take, pursue truth rather than promote lies, to humble oneself rather than inflate the ego.
-malcom muggeridge, confessions of a 20th-century pilgrim

"i do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. but i have stilled and quieted my soul"

what we're really good at

i heard a sermon the other day that's sitting with me. about encouragement- & its capacity to fight sin & feed the soul: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews%2010:24-25&version=NLT

we need it. we are our own best discouragers. or worst encouragers. we need affection in action, & it's not possible without drawing near to people & letting them draw near.


also. i need this word- facecrime- to be incorporated into the repertoire. STAT. thank you, george orwell!

"it was terribly dangerous to let your thoughts wander when you were in any public place or within range of a telescreen. the smallest thing could give you away. a nervous tic, an unconscious look of anxiety, a habit of muttering to yourself- anything that carried with it the suggestion of abnormality, of having something to hide. in any case, to wear an improper expression on your face (to look incredulous when a victory was announced, for example) was itself a punishable offence. there was even a word for it in Newspeak: facecrime, it was called."
-1984

shake off your guilty fears

"they only heard the report: 'the man who formerly persecuted us is now preaching the faith he once tried to destroy.' and they praised God because of me."

additional thoughts on being an airhead

i write this today as one installment in a (possible) series re: the ongoing fight to think in such a way that's true, honoring to Him, beneficial to others, not self-defeating, etc etc.

i'm scatterbrained. i once walked to the office breakroom with papers in hand & tried to start making copies in the sink. i've used laundry detergent, unwittingly, to wash my face. the aforementioned loss of glasses (4/20th post) is perhaps a little more devastating than sink as copy machine or detergent as facewash.

but the fact that i forget things i didn't write down, or leave things at your house that weren't attached to my person, or once in a while, skim the directions on the back & thereby misuse a product, doesn't mean i'm unintelligent. but that's what i've kind of started to believe. moments of forgetfulness become ugly introspection. has it happened to you? you do a stupid thing & the next thing you're thinking is i am a stupid person.

we need a paradigm shift. for those times when we take a flaw or recurring pattern of not-very-awesomeness & turn it into an irreparable character issue.

maybe it could help to tell someone, hey- this is how x trait is making me feel about myself, or this is the place i go to when y happens. will you think about this with me; & can we talk to Him about it together; & find truth that addresses this ungracious, anti-gospel type mindset?

i might not be stupid, per se. but i definitely have room to grow & learn! Father, i need Your strength & the support of people around me! thank You for your very present help!

now we see in part

"when at last we pass through the cloud of unknowing & the mystery is unravelled, all the preceding guesswork will seem, by comparison with what is then revealed, as no more than the scribble of children before they have learned their letters."
-malcolm muggeridge, confessions of a 20th-century pilgrim

in the meantime

"it's a far, far better rest that i go to than i have ever known"
-charles dickens

and until then, we pray for "the word of the Lord to have free course & be glorified"
-2 thessalonians 3:1

correction

re: the wednesday post, the hideously huge cake was actually constructed for a renewal of vows ceremony, & not a wedding. even better!

speaking of things marital, i love the wedding dress song by derek webb. especially these lines... they remind me of my sin of coming to Christ as consumer rather than friend & slave.

"so could you love this bastard child
though i don't trust you to provide-
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side"

awesome Father, help us reflect today on the good hope & sweet salvation afforded by what happened on good friday!

hubris, wedding cake, & initial thoughts about being an airhead

this might make you smile. or disturb you.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-507390/Bride-wedding-cake-life-size-model-herself.html

i mean. yes, bride. it's your day. but really- a life-size cake replica of yourself. really?!

also, next post- scatterbrained but not stupid
..still thinking about it... but it's inspired by a pattern i have of leaving things behind (i pushed my luck on my glasses; probably left them in 50 different places before they were lost to me forever... moment of silence for the scholarly, yet cute, brown plastic frames. also, maybe some silent curses ;)

so, i've started thinking i'm stupid because of the aforementioned spacy moments. this kind of thinking is bad... but i suspect it's pretty common. more soon!

well-pleasing & aiming to please

dear believer,

the Father is well-pleased with you. you have peace with Him because He reconciled you to Himself. He brought you near, He rescued you from darkness. He met your greatest & most basic need by ransoming you. you are well-pleasing to Him. and with paul, we can say "we make it our goal to please Him" (2 corinthians 5:9). you & i long to serve Him because of His good pleasure, works He planned in advance for us to do. but not because those efforts lead to righteousness or garner His favor.

you are well-pleasing, believer. and you aim to please Him.

thank you, Father, for graciously pursuing me when i had nothing in common with You (romans 5:8).

may Your smile be my chief delight.

catchy, yet carnal

i want to go on a rant right now about a new avril lavigne song. but i'm making an attempt to put my thoughts out there with some restraint. this is hard for me to do when i get worked up about something. i can start throwing opinions around like a beauty queen tossing candy from a parade float (minus the perfect features & pageant wave). where & how it lands, no one knows because i get careless about people's feelings & other viewpoints...

so with that in mind, i will preface this hopefully-toned-down rant by saying i can relate, in a way, with the sentiments in "what the hell." it's a catchy yet toxic tune. and isn't that kind of the worst? when it's stuck in your head... but it's POISON. (i may or may not already be failing at this attempt to be non-rant ish...) i do love a song with a good beat, which "what the hell" has. and more than that, she expresses something i think i've felt here & there. i've behaved & kept the rules for a while (this is true for a lot of kids who grow up in the church &/or kids who were raised by a pastor &/or kids who are at the church whenever the doors are open, which was me), so now i wanta do something crazy & not worry about it. here's the entire song, for your analyzing pleasure:

you say that I'm messing with your head (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
all 'cause I was making out with your friend (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
love hurts, whether it's right or wrong (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
i can't stop 'cause I'm having too much fun (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
you're on your knees, beggin' please 'stay with me'
but honestly, I just need to be a little crazy

all my life I've been good but now,
i'm just thinking 'what the hell'
all i want is to mess around,
and i don't really care about
if you love me, if you hate me,
you can't save me, baby, baby

all my life I've been good but now,
whoa 'what the hell' what, what, what, what the hell

so what if I go out on a million dates (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
you never call or listen to me anyway (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
i'd rather rage than sit around and wait all day (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
don't get me wrong, i just need some time to play (yeah)

so i might've highlighted a few of the fallacies above. all my life i've been good. WRONG. more like, from the time i was born, i've been evil but i do these things that make me feel like i'm good, i've been a law-abiding citizen, minded my manners, etc etc. i love how isaiah pretty much kills any spirit of pride over what we bring to the table ("your righteousness is filthy rags"). also, i don't really care... if you care or not. WRONG. of course we care. to feel unwanted matters. anger & rebellion are possible responses. but deep down, one cares. and finally, i just need some time to play. that's not what i need. and it's not healthy. i need to be loved. i need eternal security. i need to make wise decisions. i need to learn that what is right & holy is actually BEST & ultimately brings genuine fulfillment.

this is classic disregarding of the heart, i feel. the age-old effort to ignore or suppress human longing (for love or whatever) & to re-route frustration (over the pain of trying to love & the seeming uselessness of circumspect choices). then there's the flawed yet attractive thinking that one can party these feelings away. or dull the feelings by playing around. sometimes i worry about imbibing words like this that are so memorable- & put to a fun beat- yet antithetical to truth. will i begin to think this way, i wonder. will my heart for God erode little by little, & will i begin to think that there's no point to pursuing Him, that i've been seeking Him in vain all these years. i like where the psalmist's head is at with that (or where it ends up when he sees what the world is serving up & then runs back to Him again)... be encouraged.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2073:11-28&version=ESV

Father, purge the church

of the health/wealth/prosperity gospel...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s&feature=youtube_gdata_player

show Yourself glorious, & full of strength & joy, & sufficient, through our "deepest possible pain." thank you, awesome Father!

we need these reminders, right? that He is enough. that He will get us through. and not just in a barely making it kind of way. in a way that says, this sucks but i praise Him & run to Him because i have no where else to go & because He's absolutely worthy & capable. a friend recently pointed me to peter's words (in 2nd peter 1) about teaching the scriptures, his defense of repeating to his audience what they already knew about prophecies of Christ revealed, etc etc.

essentially, he wrote that they needed to be told often, even though they already knew, believed & walked in the truth. and he saw the repeated telling as his purpose until his time was done: "so i will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have. i think it is right to refresh your memory as long as i live in the tent of this body."

i thought you might also benefit by hearing the above lines as paraphrased by eugene peterson: "because the stakes are so high, even though you're up-to-date on all this truth and practice it inside and out, i'm not going to let up for a minute in calling your attention to it. this is the post to which i've been assigned—keeping you alert with frequent reminders—and i'm sticking to it as long as i live. i know that i'm to die soon; the Master has made that quite clear to me. and so i am especially eager that you have all this down in black and white so that after i die, you'll have it for ready reference."

so there it is. a couple things i'm feeling especially passionate about lately- an American church purged of the crap that is the prosperity gospel. and the church being the church by reminding each other of His grace & power to shape our character & make us whole.

more king's speech

i forgot to revisit this film to at least say thank you to the academy. that seems wierd to say since they didn't give me an oscar (jerks). but i was really pulling for king's speech to take a few home. and they did- director, actor, picture & i'm not sure what else. i was slightly offended that geoffrey rush didn't get best supporting. but what are you gonna do. i also feel the need to note, now that i've seen it twice (in theaters- don't judge), a few more things i love about it.

the irony of fear. the glory of friendship.

the irony of fear. lionel, george's speech therapist, was chiding bertie (king george's nickname) for being afraid of the "things he was afraid of when he was 5." it was a gentle chiding. it was needed. it was beautiful encouragement as they discussed childhood traumas, etc. but not more than a minute later in the movie, lionel himself is thrown into a panic, when his wife shows up at the office, because he had failed (& intentionally so) to inform her that he'd been doing speech therapy sessions with the KING. bust. so he's literally trying to hide from her behind a door when he realizes she's arrived. and bertie says, "you're being a coward." and lionel says, "you're right."

i guess it was just the timing that made me smile & see how easy it is to discern where other fears are irrational, fears that we might not have so we can't relate to in the fullest sense. but with our own fears... not as easy to see that they're unreasonable or silly.

and the glory (!) of friendship. what a gift. what a joy. to be known & loved, warts & all. i feel i say this fairly often, but on the other hand, i can't say it enough. and what a great picture of such comraderie in this best picture. (the next sentences are kind of a spoiler, but maybe i take the freedom since it's based on a true story.) as the film draws to a close & bertie's giving a crucial wartime speech, he's in a room with just a microphone & lionel. before bertie starts, he's clearly feeling apprehensive (sweat, pale face, darting eyes, shaky hands). and lionel calms him: "forget everything. just say it to me. say it to me as a friend."

the glory- & in this case, also solace- of friendship. have i mentioned you need to watch this movie!

also, it was precious to hear director tom hooper thanking his "mum" at the oscars. pretty sure he's loving her right now. check it: http://movies.about.com/b/2011/02/27/273277.htm

i feel you're missing out,

if you haven't been hearing the sermons in a recent series at my church. it's called psalms- the anatomy of the soul

so as to prevent too much of the above-mentioned missing out, i'm going to relay some of the points that struck me & are still sitting with me. hope you're encouraged & maybe drawn to read some of the below passages.

from psalm 1- the most dominant voice of instruction is God's. this makes a man "blessed" (translate: happy)!

psalm 2- when people conspire/rebel against God ("murmur" against Him), He is not unnerved. knowing their end & being their judge, He "holds the nations in derision" (vs. 4). but, blessed are all who take refuge in Him- refuge from His own wrath. through Jesus, the Father saves us from Himself. the problem of evil is me; i need to be saved. the barrel of the gun turns from Hitler & is pointed at me. we're saved from fearing man & from being timid by a proper fear of God. we find refuge in the Son who took the Father's anger at our sin on Himself; we have solace because Jesus didn't. the gospel is terrifying and it overjoys us at the same time.

psalm 89- the psalmist's hope is stirred by the fulness of God's promises. he refuses to let disappointment result in a downplaying of desire. he wants to endure with longing & stirs up his yearnings by recounting God's ridiculous promises. we need to stand on His promise that He's broken the power of sin & pray boldly in light of that.

psalm 16- the irony of pursuing joy apart from Him- when we pursue fulfilment with no-holes-barred, with the only stipulation being do whatever you can/have to do in order to find pleasure, the sad irony is that we will in fact be lacking in joy. for the Christian, joy is the norm; it's commanded & expected for those coming into contact with a great God. but our culture is famous for pursuing contentment via no prohibitions, minimal self-denial, resulting in depression rather than happiness. true joy stems from an ultimate commitment- saying yes to Him in everything & resolutely no to anything not of Him. it's not mere doctrinal assent but denying competing interests. vs. 1-2: only He can preserve our lives, & He alone is the source of goodness. vs. 4: we're often hedging our bets (seeking Yahweh plus...), but this only makes us more frustrated & "increases sorrow." we make these choices thinking we'll feel more secure. instead, we can feed our faith with thoughts of one day being seated at His right hand & by communing with Him in the meantime (vs. 11).

next post- a rundown of the messages on 42-43, 51, 66, & 67.

thank you, Father, for the skillful, clear, vibrant teaching of your word. how we need it!

romans 12:1-2

recently, at the suggestion of friend/prayer partner jen, i looked at romans 12:1-2. her pastor had challenged the congregation to pray scripture, & as a church, they went through these familiar yet always challenging verses together. i told her that it raised questions for me (mostly of the how variety)... but it was worthwhile. i'll be thinking on this for a while, i feel. here's my prayer, though it's in process, from the above-mentioned tried & true, gloriously penned lines of paul.

help me Father, to keep your mercy in view, in light of it, to present myself to you (& to know what that means/looks like). show me how to be a living sacrifice, to give up the things of the world and my own desires for what you want for & from me. help me live a holy life & be pleasing to you. and to do this for you & not for people's praise or affection. let obedience be what characterizes my life. let it be my pattern. let my actions be a worshipful gift to you. help me not to seek to fit into the world's mold. change me with a mind that's continually made new & a heart that's open & soft to the things that matter to you. i want to know you & do your will- which can be trusted because it's right & best.

thank you, awesome Father!!

what we all need

is someone who fights for us. or more than one. someone (or more than one) who knows where we're weak & pushes us toward strength/growth, & who loves us in the process. this is what i witnessed in the king's speech, where king george VI, or bertie as his family calls him, is played by colin firth, & his speech therapist is played by geoffrey rush. i have two requests- one is for you- watch it. the other is for the oscars guild or whatever they're called- give an award to geoffrey rush!

it's based on real events of course, but i don't wanta spoil it with too much detail about the dynamic between bertie & lionel logue (the therapist). suffice it to say, lionel played a vital role in bertie's life; he helped bertie see past the fear that he'd never overcome his speech difficulties. and he did that by forgiving bertie after some hurtful interactions, & with strong words of encouragement like this:

"you have incredible perseverance, bertie. you're the bravest man i know. you'd make a great king."

i don't think bertie saw himself as persevering well. i doubt he felt very brave. and i bet he didn't think he had the hutzpah to be king. but lionel believed these things for him. and maybe that confidence gave him a glimpse of what could be.

so i might have a third request- be a lionel to someone. and my fourth request will be a reiteration of the first- SEE THIS MOVIE!!!

everything i need to know

this is an excerpt from valley of vision... it reminded me of a favorite line from the old hymn "how firm a foundation"- what more can He say than to you He hath said?

"Thou hast loved me, espoused me, received me, purchased, washed, favoured, clothed, adorned me, when i was worthless, vile, soiled, polluted. i was dead in iniquities, having no eyes to see You, no ears to hear You, no taste to relish Your joys, no intelligence to know You; but You've given me spiritual perception, & opened me to Your word as light, guide, solace, joy. Your presence to me is a treasure of unending peace; no provocation can part me from Your sympathy. keep me, for i cannot keep myself. help me to walk by Thy side, lean on Thy arm, hold converse with Thee, that henceforth i may be salt of the earth & a blessing to all."

winter vegetable beef soup

here is the soup you must try. before winter escapes us. and for we who live in columbia, it could be summer any minute.

throw the below items in a crockpot for seven ish hours on low.
1 pound lean ground beef (browned)
1 large can diced tomatoes
1 large can tomato sauce
1 package frozen mixed vegetables
1 package onion soup mix
1 can beef broth; 1 can water

salt/pepper/texas pete to taste :) the beauty of this is you can have a bowl (or 2), then take the rest to a friend who just had a baby! enjoy the ease & tastiness that is a crockpot soup.

temple grandin

i love (love!) this movie. as a side note, i realize i've been mostly writing about books and movies, and not as much the baking/cooking. i will soon share a crockpot recipe (winter vegetable beef soup!); otherwise, i'd have to change the blog's name or continue feeling like a fraud.

but for now, i have to tell you about temple grandin. the title of the movie is the name of a girl born in the 40's with autism who exceeded expectations, to say the least. claire danes did an amazing job. her mother, played by julia ormond, also- amazing. other supporting roles that i thought were fantastically played- her favorite teacher dr. carlock, & temple's aunt.

i won't go into detail about the movie. or even tell you everything i loved about it (yet). but i am pleading with you to watch it. and i want to tell you briefly about a scene where temple and her mother are talking after a christmas party- where temple's anxieties were stirred due to overstimulation. she tells her mother she doesn't understand why people were looking at each other while she was talking excitedly about her studies. what do the sideways glances and smirks mean? her mother grabs temple's shoulders and looks directly in her eyes.

"you know how people tell each other things with their eyes?" she asks. "well, this is me telling you, 'i love you, and i respect you.'"

the mother love, not to mention the attention and concern of her professor and her aunt, were instrumental in motivating temple to accomplish all she did. i love a story where skeptics and naysayers are silenced by the belief and motivation of a few!

another country

c.s. lewis talked about nostalgia as an indicator of yearnings for eternity. he explained that a longing for home, or for a thing of our past, is really just pointing to the desire we all possess for the "knowing in full" that heaven affords. i stumbled on a terrific expression of this in great expectations. the below excerpt is about literal/earthly travel homeward, but i like the parallels for we who are making a pilgrimage heavenward. and how can you not love dickens!

"the june sky was blue, the larks were soaring high over the green corn. i thought that countryside more beautiful & peaceful by far than i had ever known it to be yet... they awakened a tender emotion in me, for my heart was softened by my return, and such a change had come to pass that i felt like one who was toiling home barefoot from distant travel, whose wanderings had lasted many years."

"by faith, abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. by faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did isaac and jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. for he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. ...[he] admitted [he] was a foreigner and stranger on earth. people who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. they long for a better country—a heavenly one" (hebrews 11:8-16).

"blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage" (psalm 84:5).

motionless travel notes

as i've already admitted, i'm obsessed with the diving bell & the butterfly by jean-dominique bauby. my brother richard was in town recently with his wife, girls, & intern. i made them watch the movie (based on the book) with me, & i noticed something i missed before. so i'll comment on it & then maybe you won't have to hear about it after this, at least not for a while :)

bauby used the metaphor of a diving bell to help his audience understand how he felt after a massive stroke that made him the victim of locked-in syndrome (see 11/15 & 12/8 posts). there was a distinct shift in his attitude shortly after doctors apprised him of his condition. acknowledging he still had his memory & imagination, he decided to write a book. the phrase that struck me during the second viewing was bauby's description of his writings as "motionless travel notes." initially, this sounded depressing to me, but it seems to be about perspective. his limitations left him with only one avenue for expression. yet, he at least still had the ability to think & express, & he chose to focus on that rather than the loss of other faculties. another thing that hit home for me more in round 2 was the first part of the title. several times in the film, bauby is shot wearing a diving bell helmet in water & seems to be grasping at nothing. it's such a strong image for how trapped & helpless he feels. but again, the entrapment isn't so severe as to completely destroy his hope... which is why the story's so inspiring. if you haven't read/seen it yet, please do!